


Why Didn't You Say This To Me When I Was Alive?

by BellaAnne



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Infrequent course language, M/M, Mentions/Referenced Suicide, Post Connor's death, Sadness, Third Person POV, evan is sad, idk how to tag sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 20:17:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11409441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BellaAnne/pseuds/BellaAnne
Summary: A Dear Evan Hansen AU where Evan and Connor were actually friends prior to Connor’s death. This is a voicemail Evan leaves that Connor will never hear. This is sad and pretty trash just a heads up The title is a reference to a line in 13RW but has no association to it.





	Why Didn't You Say This To Me When I Was Alive?

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t edited or even proof read this and it’s probably shit but I was feeling a lil’ sad and decided to turn it into a DEH Evan/Connor one shot

“The person you are trying to reach is unavailable ple-“  
End call.  
Redial.  
Silence  
“The person you are trying to reach is un-“  
End call.  
Redial.  
Silence.  
“The person you are trying to re-“  
End call.  
Deep breath.  
In.  
Hold  
Out.  
Redial.  
Silence.  
“The person you are trying to reach is unavailable please leave your name and number after the beep.”  
“H-hey Connor, it’s Evan. Although you probably know that since this is the 5th time I’ve tried calling you today. I guess I just wanted to hear your voice, even if it was just a voicemail but I guess luck wasn’t on my side. But then again, if luck was ever on my side, either you would be here right now or I’d be the one under the ground.” Evan paused and sniffled, wiping his nose on the sleeve of the hoodie Connor gave him a few months prior.  
“I mean, luck was never on either on our sides but yet I still can’t help but to wish you were here right now. I mean, I don’t know why you are gone. I mean I do know, you chased an entire bottle of sleeping pills with a bottle of whiskey, which is lethal, as you probably know, but still I don’t understand why you get to be gone. Maybe because you weren’t the idiot who threw himself from a fucking tree, instead you chose a more,” he hesitated, “practical way of ending your life. But I wish you didn’t.” Evan stopped, allowing himself to take a deep breath and wipe away the tears that had begin to blur his vision. He clutched his phone in one hand, running the other through his scuffed up hair in frustration before returning the device to his ear.  
“I know you’ll never hear this. And I don’t know why I’m still leaving a voicemail which will never be listened to, but maybe it’s some strange coping mechanism. Maybe it’s a way to handle all the guilt, regret and emptiness that's been brewing inside of me as a result of your death. Hey, maybe I’m becoming my own therapist and I don't need Dr. Sherman anymore. I mean I don't sleep and the medication stopped working a long time before I stopped taking it. I’m sorry Connor. There is so much I want to say to you.” Evan hiccuped, the floodgates crashing open and the tears he had so desperately been trying to hold back overflowed.  
“I’m so sorry Con.” He whispered, a sob escaping from his mouth. “I’m so fucking sorry. I wish I could’ve saved you, I- I should’ve saved you. I should’ve made you realised how loved you were, how much people needed you, how much I needed you!” Evan’s voice rose as he felt the wall inside his come crashing down in flames, all the sorrow and grief he had been bottling up inside of him came spewing from his mouth.  
“I wish you weren't dead Connor! Are you happy now? God I hope you are cause I sure aren’t!” He screamed in anger, guilt and sadness. “I wish I could call you selfish right now.” His voice dropped again, escaping as a mere whisper. “I really wish I could. I wish I could tell you that you were careless and selfish and didn't give a damn about how any of us felt. But I can’t. Because we saw you were hurting, we knew you were hurting but we didn't do shit about it. We let you suffer, we let you hurt and we let you choose to end your life because it all became too much when we wouldn't help you or get you the help you needed. So for that I'm sorry, I’m so god damn sorry because that makes us the selfish ones, not you. And I wish you were around to tell us that.”  
“I haven't gone back to school since the funeral. I spend most of my time in bed, too tired to even move. On the days I do get out of bed I go to the orchard. I think about how we met, officially met I mean since we’ve been going to the same school since elementary. I think about how you were the one who found me, lying under that tree, crying in pain. How you asked me what happened and all I could say was “I fell”. We both knew it was bullshit. Although neither one of us wanted to admit this was the consequence of a failed suicide attempt. Like I wish your death was.” Evan bit his cheek as a sob broke loose from his lips, attempting to stop the tears from falling although a few managed to roll down his cheeks.  
“I really miss you Connor. I miss every moment we spent together, whether it was laughing, crying, screaming. I miss it. And I regret not having more moments like that together. But do you know what my greatest regret of all is? Not telling you how I felt, how I really felt about you. I love you Connor Murphy.” Evan stated, feeling relief bloom in his chest as he admitted the feelings he had hidden for several months now.  
“I was-“ Evan paused, “Am, in love with you, and I always will be. Nothing will change that, not even you being dead.” Evan hesitated for a few moments before drawing the phone away from his ear, ending the call for one final time and setting the phone beside him. With a deep sigh he eased himself under his duvet and pulled it tightly around himself, grasping at the edges as tears pooled in his eyes once more. He closed his eyes, stopping the tears from overflowing before settling into bed and drifting to sleep. It was probably the exhaustion from lack of sleep but Evan swears that right before he fell into a slumber he heard faint words from a familiar voice.  
“I love you too Evan Hansen.”


End file.
